My soul is not ignorant and I stand in my truth

June 28, 2015

First you Survive/ Then you Thrive

Iyanla Vanzant talks about her relationship with her mother being strained.
she later learned that her biological mother had died after her birth and that the mother she had been told was her mother was in fact her stepmother and father’s second wife.
She used the phase

“my soul was not ignorant”

that really stuck a nerve with me.
as a newborn I was given by my unmarried mother to her married and childless sister.

I WAS AND AM SO LOVED.11329822_10205592593607229_2191374268122518787_n
my mother and father treated me with unabridged love and adoration. I was their PrincessRoyal. my aunt loved me with wild unabashed abandon.

but my soul knew she was my mother and all my loving caregivers said she was not.

I began to distrust my intuition and instincts.

I was so clearly wrong and confused.

My soul said “there are lies here. Secrets”

my loving doting family said that…

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My Marvelous and imperfect SELF

June 28, 2015

First you Survive/ Then you Thrive

this weekend has been a grounding and enlightening rollercoaster.
when you meditate on growth and change… it may not come in the form you expect. BUT IT WILL COME

so medical tests and a trip to the ER reminded me to take MUCH better care of
my BODY.
my MIND.
my SPIRIT.

As I grow and change my relationships are forced to change. (equal and opposite force equation)
some resist it.
others embrace it
some are terrified of it
and others intrigued.

I am reminded that everyone is on a path…
even if I don’t get it

I am reminded to always trust my
intuition
and follow my
instincts

I am so proud of my
lovely and
loving
children who rallied to care for me.

and I promise to keep the promise to live each day fully
embrace and embody my TRUTH
embrace and embody my PASSION
to not ingest…

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familial forgiveness

June 28, 2015

First you Survive/ Then you Thrive

these are pictures of my biological mother who I was told was my aunt over 50 years of my life. I found these pictures going through some things that I salvaged from her home that her husband’s children ransacked.young doll

that is when the chest pains started.

I realize now that I am heart broken. that I weep for me and for her. I weep for my lovely mother who raised me. I weep for them just as much as I rage at them for keeping vital information from me.

I realize that I have to un break my heart… all by myself. because they are dead. And because they – each – in her own way – gave me all the tools I need to un break my own heart.
to free myself from the chains of shame and propriety and fear that kept them at dis-ease and killed them.

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this is my Daddy and these are my memories

June 21, 2015

First you Survive/ Then you Thrive

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This is my Dad and here are two stories about my dad… who i love and miss very much.

I dont know how old I was, but I was a very curious child. one Saturday morning.. I decided that I had to know how the toaster worked

I was sitting at the table in the kitchen taking it apart with a knife when my dad walked in. “what are you up to Brown Eyes?” he asked refilling his coffee cup.
“I want to see how the toaster works.”
“ok… well, you have to put it back together before you mother gets home.”
and with sage advice, he UNPLUGGED the toaster from the outlet in the wall and left the kitchen.

the second story is way more dramatic

Never one to back down from a fight, let lone an argument I had gotten into a tussle with a older boy on…

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on Charleston, white frigility and Forgiveness

June 21, 2015

First you Survive/ Then you Thrive

what is forgiveness?

why is it the ooftah and white privilege go to in times of racial strife?

why did white slavers work so hard to give the enslaved the whitejesus religion that they dont follow?

there is a popular notion is society that to forgive someone is to hold them harmless and blameless.
this is very different and often confused for the forgiveness that accepts the past and frees the wronged person to live fully.
many christians in my experience think that forgiveness means that you maintain the abusive relationship when you forgive the wrongdoer. that you keep taking their shit.

I wont speak to anyone else only my concept. Because white people in america always want to be let off the hook for the bullshit that they say and do to black people. to never apologize, never change grow become better fuller human being.

I wont USE THE WORD…

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Do all abusive relationships follow the same patterns and arcs?

June 21, 2015

First you Survive/ Then you Thrive

Do all abusive relationships follow the same patterns and arcs?

as a Black Woman my abusive relationship with White America feels very similar to the abusive marriage i was in.

the unreasonable and unattainable standards appearance and behavior for acceptance and affection

excuses for double standards and lack of equality

justification and rationalizations of poor treatment, violence and abuse

demands for peace and forgiveness that are really demanding silence and acquiescence as well as approval and acceptance of mistreatment

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I WILL NOT FORGIVE. I WILL NOT FORGET.

June 20, 2015

I WILL NOT FORGIVE. I WILL NOT FORGET..